Thursday, February 03, 2005

visiting billy: brotherhood of the ring

Last time I was over at Billy's, he took me aside because he said he wanted to ask me something private. Hands filled with pirated DVDs, I asked him what he wanted.

BILLY: Salahuddin, are you already part of the Brotherhood?

ME: What Brotherhood?

BILLY: The Brotherhood of the Rings.

ME: Like The Lord of Rings? I already have the DVDs-

BILLY: No, no. The Brotherhood of the Rings.

ME: I guess not.

BILLY: You should be.

ME: Why?

BILLY: Because for Muslim men like us, it's very important that we satisfy the needs of our women. You agree, right?

ME: Well, yes, of course. And not just for us Muslim men.

BILLY: So you haven't done it yet.

ME: Done what? What?

BILLY: Become part of the Brotherhood.

ME: ...

BILLY: Of the Ring.

ME: No.

BILLY: You should. It's fantastic. My dick is so much thicker and heavier when it's hard. My wife loves it.

ME: What? What are you talking about?

BILLY: The operation is simple and quick, ten minutes tops. Take your cell phone out. I'll give you his number.

ME: Whose number?

BILLY: Doctor Jamal. He's in Davao right now, but he'll be back in Quiapo soon. You can call to set and appointment. Just pick him up at the mosque. Then you go up to his hotel room. He'll give you something so you don't feel a thing. Then he'll inject the, what is it called?

ME: What?

BILLY: What they put in boobs? In people's noses?

ME: Silicone?

BILLY: Silicone. Then he'll inject silicone into your dick. Here, give me your finger, I show you.

(DEAN gives BILLY his hand. BILLY selects the middle finger.)

BILLY: He injects here, under the head. Then the silicone goes around and around. Then, later, when you get hard, it's fantastic.

ME: What?

BILLY: I went with our cousins in a batch of five. We all waited our turn. It took only ten minutes for me. I walked out and even played basketball afterwards. Ten days later, my dick is fantastic. It's unbelievable.

ME: Okay.

BILLY: So you'll call him? Or do you want me to text him for you now? You'll get a discount because we're related. I think I get it for around P2k or P2.5k, for you.

ME: Let me think about it.

BILLY: What's there to think about? It's fantastic! Everyone around here is a member of the Brotherhood!

ME: Everyone?

(BILLY waves to various people in adjoining stalls.)

BILLY: Brother! Brotherhood!

VARIOUS MEN: Brotherhood! Ring! Ring!

ME: I...see.

BILLY: And since you are Muslim, and my cousin, and one of my best customers, I wanted to share with you.

ME: I'm actually happy with my dick.

BILLY: Hahaha! Call him! Call him and you will be happier! Your wife too!

And so, yes, I do have the number of the Philippine Muslim world's #1 enhancer of penises. Let me channel all the ad copy from all the penile enlargement emails that clog my inbox and tell you: "You dare fuck with that small dick?".

I'll accompany you to Quiapo.

I'll even wear my "tough" Muslim face ;)

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