archived fiction: and i will, i will

And I Will, I Will
by Dean Francis Alfar


standing on the balcony
with eric i watch the people at the garden below plates in hand plates filled with food threatening to topple don’t know why everybody pigs out on the birthdays as if they never knew what food was before as if they knew they’d never have food again just pile pile piling up up up towers of this and that and this and that with some more of that please yes thank you and not just birthdays but all the holidays people people please what am i doing here can’t believe i let myself be talked into coming as if i wouldn’t as if i could stay away from

eric holds a small bottle
one of those very expensive drinks named for a barn animal that everyone who’s anyone simply must have clenched in hand while the other holds a cigarette reds of course what else is there to smoke (push) which reminds me of those tv ads that actually try to make you believe that you can simply ask someone to put out snuff out their ciggie yeah just try it

he thinks he looks so cool
with his black shirt and levis and docs and kick-ass drink and supersmall take-your-picture cell yeah yeah yeah seen it all before buddy if you think branding makes you a better person(push) then fine fine fine

leaning over the balcony i see her
moving in the crowd greeting friends family driver caterer so perfect it makes me want to spit poetry and yes yes it hurts seeing her but i can’t stop must stop can’t stop myself she’s just perfect and what kills me is that i once upon a time in a land far far away cue the music john williams held her in my thin arms and told her i loved her more than anything anyone anywhere together forever and never to part stupid rick astley go away i’m in the middle of my memories here thank you very much i just want (push) to

“Hey, Jovy’s still coming, but he’s picking up Kim, so they’ll be late. Wanna read?”

eric is holding out his can't-you-see-how-expensive-this-is
cell to me as if i gave a fuck if or when jovy was coming or not and who the hell’s kim anyway but some flavor of the month courtesy of your friendly neighborhood blind date pimp duh all these people pretending(push) they care about strangers acquaintances friend of a friend’s cousin of my armpit’s nephew’s ex-lover’s officemate’s blockmate’s sister’s dalmatian for all i care

“Great.”

great can’t believe i said that
but then again anything just so i don’t have to (push) talk to you directly nothing more than a syllable in case you brain blows up from overload you faker you liar you scum of the earth judas traitor ass(push)hole think you’re so cool so smart and she’s still below us and whatshisname is in my brain feeding me words she walks in beauty like the night something or other but it’s just perfect for her she’s so beautiful she’s

“Do you have Marco’s number?”

what the fuck (push) moron
do i look like i have marco’s number i don’t even have a funky cell like yours and if i did do i look like i’d tell you after all marco is my brother’s friend technically my friend first so why do yo(push)u want to call him bastard thief

“No.”

damn right no
since you walked into the barkada from wherever the hell in the states you came from you’ve taken everything away from me i was the funny guy before i was the one they wanted to be with i had her (p(push)ush) but no you had to be taller better richer everything-er nice car nice clothes nice wallet nice shoes nice stubble nice nice nice nice and so they follow the man follow the man with his pockets full of the jam

“Hey, Tanie! Up here!”

she looks up at us
but doesn’t see me because my pale shadow is drowned by e (push)ric’s halogen brilliance she smiles and my heart breaks again and again and again and she’s frozen for a moment framed by her birthday crowd like royalty among the unwashed masses and it makes her even more perfect more beautiful oh oh tanie but now i’m all alone again nowhere to go no one to turn to feeling like epo(push)nine standing on the balcony with

“Eric!”

“Happy birthday! I have your gift - look who’s with me!”

once i held you in my hairless arms
and we laughed together when i tried to lift you up and remember you said i should maybe go to the gym if i wanted but that you loved me just the way i was because of my mind because of my dreams because i made you laugh made (push) you feel more special that you already were and we talked until four in the morning on the front steps of your house and we said no o(push)ne would come bet(push)ween us

“What? No, no, I’ll go down!”

i’m up here too you know
i’m not invisible remember me the guy who (push) once held you and told we shared something better than jean and scott’s psychic rapport

“O, ano, Mike? Shall we?”

then you ba(push)stard bamf into our lives
with your am-boy loo(push)ks and your dad’s harley and stupid jokes and nokia-of-the-month and money to pay for gimmicks and outings and dinner and coffee and conversation flexi(push)ng your thick arms and stu(push)dly chest and showing off your tattoo from wherever an(push)d listening to music from bands I’ve never heard of just stupid stu(push)pid senseless soun(push)ds she used to like my music you know especially elvis this sad burlesque costello and the older music the dee(push)per kind that says something ab(push)out like not your skanky

“Are you okay?”

you’d (push)probably type(push)that like r u k
why the hell are you even asking me as if you cared you thief deceiver because it’s not her fa(push)ult it’s all your fault drowning her in stuff suffocating her un(push)til the only breath she could take was you (push)bastard she doesn’t love love ne(push)ver has never will never never ever never it’s me it’s it’s me it’s me me me she loves loved will love no(push)w and forever jellicle cats a(push)nd stay the hell away from me you musc(pus(push)h)lebound oaf you don’t know me but you’ve always envied me so you take away everyth(push(push))ing everything and fine fine i let y(pu(push)sh)ou then you turn ar(push)ound and take her you took her and (push)you have the gall (push) to ask me if i’m okay where the hell do you co(push)me from i said stay away don’t you touch me (push)it’s so easy to leave me all alone with the memory stop(push) stop (push)stop it andrew lloyd not now this as(push)shole thinks he’s better than me well you

“Mike? What’s wrong?”

can’t (push) me around like(push) i’m nothi(push)ng
as if you were lor(push)d and king rolled into one you s(push)hit can’t believe i’m stan(push(push(push)))ding on the balc(push)ony with you bastard what are doing let m(push)e go just let me go stop stop what w(pus(pu(push)sh)h)hatwh(push)at stop let me go there go my glassesmy glasses don’t step on them eric (push)don’tdon’t(push) (push) let me go just let me go ever(push)yone is looking ano ka ba a(push)no ka ba let(push) (push) me go you no (push)nononono no(push) no just stay away ano ka ba(push) get awa(push)y from me don’t to(push)uch me do(push)n’(push)t don’t d(push)o(push)n’t don’t(push) i thi(push) (pus(push)h) (pu(push)sh)nk i’ll just(pu(push)sh) think i’ll but i can’t(push) ca(p(pus(push)h(pu(push)sh))ush)n’t can’t(push(push)) I will okayokay(push)ok(push)ay ok(p(p(pu(push)sh)us(pu(push)sh)h)us(push)h)ay here we(push)go(p(push)ush)onetwo

three
ha.