coming in september

Last year, Nikki and I decided, was our last chance to have another child. Nikki is near the age where having children courts increased health risks for both her and the baby. By the start of December, when there was no child, we accepted the fact that Sage would be our only child - which isn't bad, not at all (I grew up as an only child for 9 years and during those years didn't feel a desperate yearning for a sibling - I was happy with my books and Lego).

We spent the holidays in Florida, and while Sage played with her Grandma, Nikki and I played with each other (wink, wink).

In my mind, here's what happened.

ELDER SPERM (TO YOUNG SPERM): You are our only hope. December is almost past..

YOUNG SPERM: I sure as hell will try, though I do not know the way!

ELDER SPERM: Just follow the path and do not stray. You will know the way...

YOUNG SPERM: I have so many questions, Master-

ELDER SPERM: The legendary Egg must be found...

(AN ALARM SOUNDS.)

ELDER SPERM: Now, now is the time!

YOUNG SPERM: Here I go!

ELDER SPERM: Godspeed... There must be a new Alfar...

Yesterday, we got confirmation that we're having a baby! I am both delighted and anxious - all over again. You'd think that having gone through this once before I'd be okay with the process, but no. I'm delighted, no, excitedly rapturous, because this child is new to the universe, unique and blessed and wondrous. I'll be honest and say that I wish it is a boy, but will be happy regardless. I look forward to discovering who this new little person is, in the same way that Sage revealed herself. And we'll have two children, which to me, is so perfectly right.

The anxiety, of course, is there, unfolding in multiple layers. Health: Will the child be healthy? Will s/he have some disorder? Economic: How do we pay for two kids in school (I swoon at the thought of coming up with something like P200k every June)? How do we stretch the budget to accomodate a new nanny? We need to get layette stuff and a crib and diapers and and and... Should we move? Social: How will Sage take to the existence of a new little Alfar (Well, she's as happy as we are right now)? Purely Selfish: Gah, I can't smoke in the house anymore (Nikki has quit). How will I write?

But I know everything will be all right. All these anxieties and worries are nothing new (but I'll have a heart attack if somehow they're twins - twins run in both our families). We'll get by.

It turns out that my big creative thing for 2008 is a child! Already we're thinking of names.

Have I said that I really really really hope it's a boy?