Monday, March 17, 2003


I need to rave and vent.

I've resolved the angry situation (see my "abuse" post below) by deciding to finally burn the bridge once and for all. I do not take kindly to outright accusations of something I did or did not do - I'm the wrong person to try to bully or extort money from. It's just absurd. I'm so angry that my wa is imbalanced and that I had the equivalent of a scene in my own office, over the phone.

Sometimes bridges just need to be razed to the ground to prevent any further contact, communication, contagion, possibilities, impossibilities, whathaveyou. The very nature of bridges implies traffic and I want the traffic to stop, I want the other land isolated, unreachable, a distant rumor of something banal and uninteresting.

After tomorrow, I will not have anything to do with this person professionally or personally. I wish him no ill will (on the contrary, I've tried to help him when I can) and I hope things work out for him and his family. But I am no longer interested in maintaining ties, in engaging in mistaken friendship.

I threw a burning torch unto the bridge and right now its burning burning burning brightly and the heat is both unpleasant and close - but the wood is being consumed and the crackle of sparks rise foolishly into the air only to expend themselves in futile brilliance. And I watch with angry eyes, an angry heart and an angry soul, implementing my mind's rational directive to end things. And thus the obscuring smoke that I inhale like unholy censers.

Absurd. Absurd.

What have I lost? A strange question. Everytime something I helped create is destroyed, I lose part of myself, of course. I am a creator, a wordsmith of ephemera contained on paper or released into the air. I, with others like me, fully understand the value and preciousness of creation.

But sometimes, you need to sever something to be able to keep living, and dammit I will always refuse to be tied down by sentimentality and "give-peace-a-chance" inanities.

You just have to say "fuck it" and burn.


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