nausea

Last week, I postponed for this week all the sickening moves I had to perform to keep my business on an even keel. This includes restructuring my complement of designers, writers, managers and other staff, and refocusing on certain business elements to retain our little advantages in the niche we’ve positioned ourselves in. The nausea I feel has to do with letting staff go because of the necessary changes I’m implementing. It’s one of things I most actively resent about being the boss, these moments of bitter power when a word from me spells termination in no uncertain terms. The last time I did this when I worked for another company in Hong Kong, I was literally in tears. I felt that the company had let me and my staff down, but ultimately I had to become the hatchet man – I was the GM of that office. Now that I have my own outfit, the pain has not lessened. In fact, I feel it even more magnified now because I have no other entity to blame but myself and how I run the show – despite the horrible market conditions and other extenuating circumstances. It boils down to a one-on-one with whoever and the unavoidable conclusion, like a car careening towards a concrete post – inevitable and sad.

Some of my peers I’ve spoken to (who own their own businesses or head the businesses of others) say that I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do, regardless of my personal feelings. To keep up a professional mien. To not take it personally. I understand all of that, of course.

But it still makes me feel sick.