Tuesday, October 14, 2003

interstitial: play in progress

2: BRANDY

(LIGHTS ON. BRIAN and CAMILLE on couch. BRIAN is massaging his feet through his socks.

BRIAN (laughs)

Hit the mute button.


CAMILLE (laughs as she presses a button on the remote)

I don’t believe it. How can some people be so stupid?


BRIAN

It’s Survivor, that’s why. It doesn’t take smarts to be on the show.


CAMILLE

True, true. So, how was your day?


BRIAN (chats before a commercial on TV catches his eye.)


Same. Busy a bit. Client meeting. Look at that.


(BRIAN and CAMILLE watch a part of the commercial.)


BRIAN

What was that?

CAMILLE

What are they trying to tell us?

BRIAN

Running on top of the dining room table is healthy exercise?


CAMILLE

It’s okay to set a formal dinner for twelve people and while they aren’t there yet, it’s okay to leave footprints on the table?


(Both laugh)


CAMILLE

It’s no worse than that liquor girl with the match.


BRIAN

I love that one.


CAMILLE

Yes, “let me light a match until it dies”. High concept.


BRIAN

Maybe it is.


CAMILLE

Please. The people who make these things wouldn’t know high concept if it bit them in the nose.


BRIAN

How would you defend it?


CAMILLE

What do you mean?


BRIAN

If you had to pitch it to the brandy client and it was your best idea?


CAMILLE

First of all, I wouldn’t have that as my best idea. Second, I left the rat race last year, remember? No more of that. This is a kept woman you’re talking to.


BRIAN

Pretend. Pretend it is.


CAMILLE

No, Mr. Account Executive.


(BRIAN’s cell phone rings. He quickly refuses the call and places the cell phone back into his pants pocket.)


CAMILLE

Office?


BRIAN

I told them not to call after office hours. It can wait. Anyway, come on.


CAMILLE

You changed your ring tone?


BRIAN

I did?


CAMILLE

Yes, what happened to Beethoven?


BRIAN (shrugs)

I must have changed it. Anyway, defend yourself, young miss.


CAMILLE

No, it’s silly.


BRIAN

Come on, you know you want to.


CAMILLE (laughs)

Fine, fine, Brian. You be the client, okay?


BRIAN (frowns and adjusts the collar of his shirt)

Okay. So, Ms. Camille, I understand your agency has the final concept for our TV ad.


CAMILLE (teases)

Yes, sir. I’m here to present storyboards in my titty dress.


BRIAN

Well, out with it. We don’t have all day. Someone has to bottle everything at the plant, you know. Afterwards, if I’m in mood, you can show me your bazongas. I’m busy and powerful, so come on.


CAMILLE

Tight shot of beautiful girl. She lights a match and holds it close to her face until it dies out. When it does, screen goes blank and we have your logo.


BRIAN

That’s…less than overwhelming.



CAMILLE

Oh, oh! But can’t you see the beauty of its simplicity? It’s very post-postmodern. Life is as brief as the span of time it takes to consume a match. While you’re alive, have some brandy. Brandy is life.

BRIAN

I..I… What can I say? I have tears in my eyes. Besides, your feminine charms are rather…considerable.-


CAMILLE (shrieks)

Brian! The show already started!


BRIAN (grabs the remote control and press a button)

Shit, shit!


(BLACKOUT)




3: TRUCK

(LIGHTS ON)

BRIAN (pressing a button on the remote)

I wouldn’t last three days on this show.


CAMILLE

I know. You’d be the first voted off the island.


BRIAN (nods)

I can’t help it if I’m the leader type. Someone has to tell people to do things.



CAMILLE

Hungry?


BRIAN

What’s for dinner?


CAMILLE

Me.


BRIAN

To eat.


CAMILLE

Me.


BRIAN

With a fork?


CAMILLE

Talk dirty, papa.


BRIAN

Foodwise.


CAMILLE

Well, you have a choice of tuna casserole or spaghetti.


BRIAN

Sounds too complicated.


CAMILLE

Not a problem. That’s what microwaves are for.


BRIAN

But you need to boil the spaghetti.


CAMILLE

Then tuna it is.


BRIAN

Need help?


CAMILLE (stands and moves to kitchen area)

No, no, I’ve got it.


(BRIAN’s phone rings. He looks at it and answers in anger.)


BRIAN (to phone, angrily)

Who is this? What? What? No, I don’t know you. Stop calling me.


CAMILLE

Who was it?


BRIAN

I don’t know. Some asshole.


CAMILLE

How did he get your number?


BRIAN

I don’t know. I don’t feel like being a phone pal. Sheesh.


CAMILLE

Breathe, puppy.


(BRIAN calms down. CAMILLE moves around the kitchen, keeping an eye on both the microwave and the TV.)


BRIAN

There was this big accident along EDSA today.


CAMILLE

Really? Where?


BRIAN

Guadalupe, southbound. Near the ice tea billboard.


CAMILLE

Is that still there?


BRIAN

The truck?


CAMILLE

No, the billboard.


BRIAN

Yes, but I think it has to go down soon. No one’s buying that stuff.



CAMILLE

We did, remember?


BRIAN

And did we like it?


CAMILLE (putting stuff in the microwave)

It wasn’t that bad. I didn’t feel like collapsing backward into a pool of cool waer right after I drank some, but it wasn’t, you know, horrible.

BRIAN


Anyway, the accident.


CAMILLE

Yes, sorry. A truck, you said?


BRIAN

Flipped over.


CAMILLE

What kind was it?


BRIAN

I don’t know. I don’t know any truck brands except Tonka.


CAMILLE

No, no. What kind of truck, as in what was it carrying?


BRIAN

Soil, I think. Something red and soily.

CAMILLE

Soilish?


BRIAN

Soil-like?


CAMILLE

What a mess. Was it raining today?


BRIAN

Not much, but yeah, it’ll muddy up the place. Killer traffic. Good thing I was going the opposite way.


CAMILLE

Anyone killed?


BRIAN

Nah. Didn’t seem like it.


CAMILLE

Good, good. Life’s bad enough.


BRIAN

Hey, were on.


(BRIAN presses a button on the remote as CAMILLE joins him on the couch)


CAMILLE

I’m glad you’re okay, sweetie.


BRIAN

Yeah.

(BLACKOUT)




4: RING TONE

(Still BLACKOUT. BRIAN’s phone rings.)

BRIAN

Shit.


CAMILLE

I’ll mute it. Go ahead.


BRIAN

No, no-


CAMILLE

It’s okay, nothing’s happening anyway.


BRIAN

No, just-

(LIGHTS ON. CAMILLE is pointing the remote control at the TV. BRIAN is looking at his ringing phone.)


BRIAN

Damn it.


CAMILLE

Just hurry and answer it.


BRIAN (to phone)

Hello? Who is this? What do you want? Stop – stop calling me!


(BRIAN angrily puts down the phone on the couch next to him.)


BRIAN

Un-mute it.


CAMILLE

Commercials.


BRIAN

What happened?


CAMILLE

I don’t know.


BRIAN

Shit.

(CAMILLE stands, opens the microwave and takes out the casserole.)


CAMILLE

You want dinner now or later after the show?


BRIAN

It’s up to you.


(CAMILLE stands behind him with the microwave dish.)



BRIAN (pointing to the TV)

Look, it’s that stupid ad with the stupid jumping people.


CAMILLE

Aren’t you hungry? I thought you were.


BRIAN

If you’re hungry, then go ahead and eat.


(CAMILLE puts the casserole down on the dining table.)


CAMILLE

No need for the attitude, you know.


BRIAN

Whatever. What makes these people think that happy people jump around? Do I jump around? Do you jump around?


CAMILLE

Who was it?


BRIAN

Hmm?


CAMILLE

Your caller.


BRIAN

I don’t know.

(CAMILLE goes to her purse, gets her own cell phone and punches in a number on speed dial. Within moments, BRIAN’s phone rings. It’s Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy”. BRIAN picks up his phone and looks at it. He then looks at CAMILLE.)


BRIAN

Why are you calling me?


(CAMILLE cancels the call and places her cell phone back into her purse.)


CAMILLE

Nothing.


(BRIAN shrugs.)


BRIAN (pointing to the TV with the remote.)

It’s almost on. Come on.


(CAMILLE silently sits next to him.)


(BLACKOUT.)

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