Friday, March 11, 2005

waking up in tears

Just before I got to see Janay give one last expression of shock and fear as only her countenance can muster as she realized that she was not in the Top 12 of American Idol (which I, like Rickey, greet with intense mixed emotions), one of clients called and turned 3 weeks of work upside down - we have to start from scratch with an impossible schedule, as usual.

By the time I went to sleep, I was just to tired to be upset and just zonked out. I woke up at 4AM in tears.

I dreamt that Jack, my mother-in-law's kind and wonderful companion, died. I was hit full force with the power of the dream's reality. For around an hour I was crying silently in bed, thinking about how I was going to wake up Nikki and tell her. The heaviness crushed me into inaction and I fell asleep later, but my heart was aching when I woke up again this morning.

I know it was all a dream, but also know that there is something my subconscious is telling me or preparing me me for. Jack has a form of blood cancer, which was the primary reason we visited him in US late last year. I love this man and am disheartened by the though of him passing away.

The clearing house of my brain is no doubt dealing with my work-related stress, but the analogy or metaphor it chose to prep me up for dealing with a rebooted project truly leaves a lot to be desired.

I've also been thinking about how easily the heart is persuaded. But grief and loss - not my cup of tea.


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