closet quivers: friday night at a circle jerk club

KARL
What didn’t happen. What should have happened: I’m the third or fourth person to arrive. Okey naman ang lugar, disente. I sit down and someone introduces himself.

ARNOLD
‘Musta?

KARL
I shake his hand and manage a smile. He begins talking and talking and talking para bang mauubusan ng salita. Small talk, nothing important, nothing revealing. I’m not really listening because I just want to see what will happen, I want to see how things go. I need to know if I’ll go through with why I came here.


MIKE
Wala naman. Ikaw?


MARCO
From a friend’s house.


ARNOLD
Pare, hindi ba kayo nahirapan mag-park?


KARL
Tanong ko sa kanila kung bakit sila pumunta, what did they expect, weren’t they ashamed of what they were planning to do, how could they even consider themselves men kung nandito sila, ano bang gusto nila? Sinong niloloko nila? Are they gay? Are they confused? Are they lying to themselves? Did anyone close to them know where they were right now? What if something bad happened? Paano kung masaktan sila? Paano kung nakawan sila? What if they were exposed? Paano na?


MIKE
Ha?


KARL
How could they call themselves Christians if they were doing this? Bakit sila bumigay, bakit sila sumuko? Did they even think this was wrong? What kind of a lifestyle is this? How can they expect anything lasting, anything of worth from other people here? Did they expect to find a friend? Anong hinahanap nila? A lover? A partner?


MARCO

Shit ka.


KARL
Tanong ako ng tanong, all these kinds of questions, forcing them to face themselves and their choices in a mirror, a mirror I’m holding in my hands, and I’m telling them that its just wrong, it can’t be right, can’t be true, cannot possibly work out, talagang maling-mali – at hindi sila makasagot, hindi nila ako matingnan because deep in their hearts alam nila ang sagot at takot sila sa katotohanan. And I tell them that they can still change.


DINO (shouts)
E, ikaw? Ba’t ka nandito?


KARL (enraptured)
And I turn to him, I turn to him and say that maybe the reason I’m here is to help them, tulungan silang makawala dito, because yes, I was tempted, I was confused, and yes, I did think about doing whatever it was we were supposed to do, kung ano man yun, pero I realized na mali yun and maybe, just maybe, I can explain what went through my head, and we can all just… just stop, stop, stop na, stop right here, right now, tama na, huwag nang umpisahan, hindi ito gusto ni Lord


NOEL
H-ha?


KARL
I tell them that we’re men, and men are not supposed to act like this, that it’s unnatural, mali, mali talaga, that I myself just barely made it. I tell them my reasonsna may anak ako and that if I went ahead and did anything with them I’d be betraying not just myself but her as well. Na nais kong maging good father, good son, good husband, good Christian, mabuting tao and it’s not too late to change, not too late to change, not too late to change, kaya pa, kaya pa


NOEL
Paano?


KARL
At umiiyak na ako, at umiiyak na sila, at umiiyak na kaming lahat because of the shame of our past, our weakness, sa bigat n gamin damdamin, and oh Lord Jesus gusto na naming magbago, mag bagong buhay, and someone starts to pray and we’re talking to the Lord and He understands us and His blood washes us clean and we’re saved, we’re redeemed, we’re found, we’re changed.


ARNOLD
Jesus!


MIKE
Lord Jesus!


NOEL
Saved by the blood of Jesus !


KARL (in tears)
And in a moment, we’re different people, malinis na kami, we’re whole and hopeful and pure. Dahil sa pagibig ni Lord, because of the power of God, because I changed my mind, because I was brave enough to come here and witness, because I love the Lord, my daughter, my wife, my self, because I told them to change. Because I was brave. Dahil sa akin nagbago sila!


ALL (except KARL)
Asa ka pa.