i'm thirty three for a moment

..and looking at my daughter in the operating room.

On one side, Nikki is being fussed over by doctors, but I cannot take my eyes off my child, a struggling mass covered in who-knows-what. In seconds she is cleaned by the nurses and I see the small person there (with the correct number of fingers and toes), eyes closed, breathing the same air I am breathing.

She used to fit in the space between my hand and the crook of my arm. I watched her endlessly, feigning sleep. And how I wished I could reason with her so we could just discuss her issues instead of her crying (this was just a few days after we took her home, so I understand that it was too much to hope for).

And today she turns 5.

And how she can reason.

Happy Birthday, Sage Alfar, beloved daughter! You are the perfect reason to celebrate Valentine's.

I love you with all my tomorrows.